She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Randomize
