My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
