The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
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