I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
