Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
