Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
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