"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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