My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
there's paper in my vomit.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
