we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Randomize
