"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
