Tell her she can't have a vagina
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
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