hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Randomize
