Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize