I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
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