Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Less talking, more tequila
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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