That's intense
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
