Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Randomize
