He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
