Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize