do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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