I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
