What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
