i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I love you. Go after that dick
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
