i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
