I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
