Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
