Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
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