If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize