Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
