Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
