ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
