so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
