My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
