Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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