my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
