I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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