guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
