good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Randomize
