I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Randomize
