She went from zero to smokin in five shots
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
