god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Randomize
