Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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