I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
