I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
