i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Randomize
