she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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