I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
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