I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Plan B is the new Plan A
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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