i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
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