im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Randomize
