I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
