This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
