The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Randomize
