i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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