I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
