Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
we should paint friendship bongs
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