So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
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