I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
