I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
