He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
im calling her cock vulture from now on
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
