I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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