Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
